Friday, June 09, 2006

Interfaith Marriages network meeting

A few months ago, I listened to a presentation by Heather al-Yousuf and Rosalind Birtwistle on interfaith marriages, particularly about the Inter faith Marriages Network. The work is sponsored by Churches Together, which indicates that this is not a fringe activity, but has become a core concern, reflecting the fact that many marriages are with partners from another faith background.

I had shared a little of my own interest in interfaith and mixed faith background and was subsequently invited to join this consultative meeting on Thursday, down at Birkbeck College, London. [I managed somehow to get there on time, even though I got my local bus times wrong, changed my mind about catching the Oxford Tube (it's taking a long diversion to avoid roadworks in Headington), missed a fast train to Paddington; and when I came out of Euston Square tube station I headed off in the wrong direction until I looked up to see where the sun was! Anyway I arrived safely.]

It was quite a contrast to the PLE meeting I attended in Manchester on Tuesday, a quite technical meeting concerning e-learning (I work in IT to earn a living). First thing I noticed was the composition of people: in Manchester, there were about 16-17 people, all male expect for one of the organisers; and all based in (and ethnically from) Europe or North America apart from myself being half Oriental. On the other hand at this meeting in London, there were 30-40 people, a far more even balance of male/female; ethnicities covered Europe, Middle East, South Asia, and Far East. Next thing I noticed was that in contrast to Tuesday's array of laptops, there was not a single computer in sight - even I had managed to leave all my computers at home :-) However, both meetings were conducted in constructive and friendly atmospheres.

As people introduced themselves, it was also noticeable the range of backgrounds among the people, all with some angle on this issue: rabbis, imams and priests, all had experiences of members of their congregations coming up and seeking advice; a marriage guidance professional; a psychotherapist; people involved in such relationships (the youngest person to 'share' was just 3 months old!); interfaith advisors; and also academic researchers, interested in the sociological, cultural and anthropological issues.

There is enormous scope for discussion, but basically there are two broad areas: the scriptural/theological side and the pastoral/practical side. In the presentations, discussions and sharings, there was amply conveyed the tension between keeping a tradition pure and undiluted, whilst not being unduly rigid in interpretation; it's the common theme of what is really at the heart of a spiritual and religious tradition.

If sticking rigidly to rules, then some situations seem on paper irresolvable. For instance, if a Jewish girl [not of a liberal tradition] wishes to marry a Muslim boy, then rules state that their children have to be on the one hand brought up in their mother's tradition AND on the other in their father's tradition. In practice, it seems that something can work out if the relationship is not completely symmetric, but has a complementary nature (sounds ying-yang to me).

We were given a quick introduction to the work of the Inter faith Marriages Network Web site, particulalry some of the responses. It was asked how many had come from priests et al, the ones responsible for guidance. More generally, who are the ones giving advice and guidance? They too need to be well informed.

In the afternoon discussion focused on four areas:

  • Supporting interfaith couples and families
  • What about the children?
  • Civil & Religious Law
  • Spiritual life of the couple and family
I took part in the one about the children. This is where the implications of interfaith marriages really sharpen into focus, where couples need to consider very carefully. There was some attempt at trying to produce 'successful templates' but I expressed considerable doubts about this; each case is unique, but from my own experience complementary [asymmetric] relations are probably more likely to work. In practice, there's normally one person more firmly committed to their faith and that can naturally mean they take the lead in certain aspects of the child's religious instruction - the distinctuion was usefully made between the formal identification with one particular tradition and the education in both.

I sense this meeting was a solid platform for a lot more co-ordinated work in this area. Three main ways of taking things forward in the short term were:

  1. Support for couples, using the vehicle of the Internet, particularly Web, but also perhaps mailling lists
  2. Raising the profile of such networks
  3. Taking the work into communities, building links etc.
I expect there'll be published some official reports from the meeting.

After the meeting, there was a quick dash back to Oxford for the second half of the interfaith connections day...


tina116 said...

Don't you think that faith should not be an issue when to people are in love with each other. Could love be really enough for the marriage to last? Or faith can be a factor too.

Paul Trafford said...

This is what I think ... :-)

There are many factors involved in a successful marriage. Love itself is many faceted; it's nature may be a strong factor in a marriage's longevity. That it should be selfless can probably be universally recognised.

However beyond that faiths can provide many perspectives that are not so evident in a purely secular view. For instance, Buddhists may be guided by the so-called 'Divine Abidings,' where there are 4 kinds of love:

* loving kindness (friendliness)
* compassion
* sympathetic joy
* equanimity

Sometimes what people think is 'love' may be rather selfish, or full of attachment, which falls away from these divine abidings and becomes a chain of suffering later on especially on separation. This is amply expressed in 'Attachment' by Ven. Ajahn Sanong.

Love alone, even if pure, is not usually sufficient - it also depends on each other's characters and backgrounds and again a faith perspective has a lot to say about this. Many Eastern religions would say that it depends upon respective karma - if the couple have been together a lot in the past (especially past lives), then even if they come from different countries and different classes it can work out.

I think faith can strengthen a marriage, as it provides deep meaning, helps nurture mutual support and understanding.

Anonymous said...

being a brit living in america now in a multifaith marriage ( me hindu him christian) we have now hit a huge hurdle when it comes to our 3 year old son. I am searchign the internet for resources.- how to decide how to bring up our child- more importantly how as a mixed family do we deal with the death of one of us. - thanks for your wokr and I am slowly trusting the first thing that brought my hubby and myself together. that - love has to conquer all - even man made religions.